


The Goddamned Patsy

by sarahsharpe1231



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Diego Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Good Parent Grace Hargreeves, No Incest, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Post-Season/Series 02, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahsharpe1231/pseuds/sarahsharpe1231
Summary: After being kicked out of (what was once) their own home, the Umbrella Academy decided to hole up in a motel for the night. (Allison "negotiated" the fee. Klaus stole whatever he could on his way out of the mansion to pawn for extra cash.) Allison and Vanya took one room. Klaus and Luther another. Diego and Five another.Diego wakes up in the middle of the night. He has a lot on his mind. So does Five.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 133





	The Goddamned Patsy

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this fic stemmed from conversations I had all over social media about whether or not Diego knew he could actually redirect those bullets. I have thought long and hard about it for three whole weeks. This is my official headcanon. You, lucky reader, are the first to see it.
> 
> The thought of this happening to my precious boy is BEYOND heartbreaking. But I will be VERY disappointed if the show ever negates this theory. It digs deeper into both the hatred he has for his father and the love he has for his mother. It shows that Reginald's abusive torture didn't stop with Klaus and Vanya and what Grace did for Diego didn't stop at helping him with his stutter. I'm VERY proud to have come up with this.
> 
> There are a TON of Diego fics I want to write after having watched Season 2...but I decided to start with him and Five because they do have a very unique brand of respect for each other--no matter how much Diego can't stand Five's cockiness and no matter how much of an actual idiot Five might think Diego is. They have more in common than they think they do. And after seeing their bond showcased this season, I definitely wanted to explore it a little bit more.
> 
> With all that said, I hope you guys enjoy this!!! SUPER excited to add this beautiful show to my portfolio!
> 
> Oh, and if you didn't know, it's actually canon that "Diego cursed out the old man" before leaving the academy! Stop at the 9:37 mark in "Number Five" and take a look at the right page of Vanya's book.

Diego woke up in a cold sweat and gasping for air. As soon as he could catch his breath, he sat up on the creaky motel room bed and turned to look at the clock on the nightstand.

_2:43am_

He looked across the room and saw Five sitting at the table. It was filled with those free brochures from the lobby. He seemed to be studying them intently.

“Bad dream?” Five asked, not looking up.

“No,” Diego said. “No, I’m fine. What are you doing up?”

His voice was scratchy—like it always is immediately after he wakes up.

“Just seeing how much has changed,” Five said. “And no, you’re not.”

Five looked up from the brochures and over at his brother.

“Want to talk about it?” he asked.

“Nah, it’s nothing,” Diego said. “It’s just…seeing the old man alive again…especially considering…what I did today…”

“You mean with the bullets?” Five asked.

“I hadn’t done that since I was little,” Diego said, looking down at his hands. “Like… _really_ little…”

“I didn’t know you ever had,” Five said.

“Yeah, I never told any of you,” Diego replied, looking back up. “Dad locked Vanya up in a cage…trapped Klaus in a mausoleum…and… _shot_ …at me. Arrows…rifles…any projectile he could aim at my face. Half the time I didn’t know if I was gonna make it out of those training sessions alive.”

“Holy shit,” Five responded.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Wasn’t until Mom…gave me my first knife…that I _finally_ felt like I was the one in control. She was the one who put trust in me to use my powers offensively. You know, so _I_ could be the one to get the first shot in. I was nothing but a goddamn human shield to him. Mom made me the weapon. From that day on, I vowed never to use my powers the way he trained me to again. My first act of rebellion.”

Diego smirked—forever proud of that particular accomplishment.

“Diego, I’m sorry that I put you in a position where you felt like you had to do that,” Five said. “If I hadn’t killed the Board—” 

“Hey, The Handler tricked you,” Diego interrupted. “You did what you thought was right.”

“I don’t know what’s right anymore,” Five said, looking back at the brochures. “I can’t even get us back to our own damn timeline! I mean, we don’t even _exist_ here, for crying out loud! Well… _these_ versions of us, at least. We must have… _doppelgängers_ somewhere! If we’re even alive, that is…”

“Don’t worry,” Diego responded. “We’ll get to the bottom of this.”

“What is there to get to the bottom of?” Five retorted, staring back at Diego. “The old man _met_ us and decided he didn’t _want_ us. Threw us out like yesterday’s paper! Part of me doesn’t blame him. We can’t do anything right. Like you said…The Umbrella Academy…a total failure. Enough so he decided he didn’t even want to try again.”

“So what do you think we should do?” Diego asked.

“After all this, you still want to listen to me?” Five laughed.

“Five, like it or not, you’re the closest thing to an expert we have on this shit,” Diego replied.

“Oh, yeah, Mr. ‘I Made The ISB My Bitch’?” Five countered.

“I’m serious,” Diego said.

Five let out a deep sigh.

“Well, we have a briefcase,” he said. “We could go back and stop ourselves from ever interacting with him.”

“Okay?” Diego replied.

“But that would mean we risk every version of ourselves getting paradox psychosis and therefore risk messing up the timeline even more,” Five explained.

“Okay?” Diego repeated.

“So I vote we don’t do that,” Five said, matter-of-factly.

“Fair,” Diego responded. “Plan B?”

“We go to the Commission,” Five spitballed. “Get their best case managers to work on this. This is time gone wrong if I’ve ever seen it…aside from the apocalypse…both of them…”

“Okay?” Diego replied. “Perfect.”

“There’s one small problem,” Five said.

“What’s that?” Diego asked.

“First time the apocalypse happened, you all died,” Five reminded him. “Second time, we escaped it. Maybe this family just wasn’t meant to exist past April 1st.”

“You can’t be serious,” Diego scoffed.

He locked eyes with his brother who was indeed very serious. Diego’s smile dropped and his eyes widened.

“So, what, we’re…stranded in time?” he yelled. “What do you suggest, we go back to ’63?”

“We can’t,” Five replied. “We’re FBI’s Most Wanted, remember?”

“We go back earlier!” Diego suggested.

“We go back earlier and who knows what happens!” Five yelled. “Everywhere we go, chaos and destruction follow. Sissy was right to not come back with Vanya. We’re a curse on the timeline. This is the timeline dealing with us—once and for all.”

“What are you saying, Five?” Diego asked. “We’re screwed?”

“We’ve been screwed since the day we were born,” Five responded. “Our lives are one big cosmic joke. Welcome to the punchline.”

Diego fell back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling—questioning absolutely everything.

“Hey, Diego?” he heard Five say after a few moments.

“Yeah?” Diego asked, not moving.

“Thank you,” Five said, “for what you did for me today. I don’t know if it was worth it but…I appreciate it.”

“Anytime, bro,” Diego responded. “Anytime.”

Diego rolled onto his side and watched the colon on the digital clock blink. Seconds passed…then minutes… Each time the dots reappeared, he pictured the bullets flying toward his face. He wondered if he should’ve just let them hit him. One final act of rebellion against Sir Reginald. The realization quickly dawned on him that, no matter what, his father would _always_ have the last laugh…as if he didn’t already realize that back on the Grassy Knoll.

_Told you so…_

Diego closed his eyes and all of a sudden, he was a little kid again…looking down the barrel of a gun. He told The Handler that when that happens, his loyalties lie with himself. Because in those moments in the courtyard with Reginald, that’s all he had. But that wasn’t the case anymore. He had five people he knew would go to the ends of the earth for him. And he’d do the same for them. And no matter how hopeless everything seemed right now, they’d find a way to make things right. They had to.

_“Thankfully, there are powerful forces pushing back against the wicked and iniquitous, individuals who have the strength to pull together against insurmountable odds to face adversity with unblinking courage and not to hesitate to sacrifice themselves for another. Unfortunately, none of you are such people.”_

It seems like just yesterday their father uttered those words. Being blamed for his brother’s death had stuck with him for years after it happened. It’s the reason he left the mansion not long after…cursing his dad on the way out. And now Ben was back. But it wasn’t him. It was some pretentious and hollow photocopy. It wasn’t right. None of this was right. The odds this time were truly insurmountable, but Diego believed with every fiber of his being their father was wrong about them. And he was going to prove it to him. Once and for all.

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to add that I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how they're going to proceed next season. There are a MILLION different ways this story could go. Whatever they do, we need a season's worth of conflict to come from it...and preferably for the timeline to NOT be fucked up again because WOW, is this bad.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed what I did in regards to Five's thought process because this fic was NOT about finding a way to fix to this messed up timeline. It was about exploring these boys' trauma. I did NOT want to propose a feasible solution--and with Herb being Acting Chair of The Commission, that was REALLY hard to work around. If the show DOES go with either of my two proposed ideas, I will find that EXTREMELY hilarious. Fingers crossed they don't!!!


End file.
